Well fam, I have some bad news. I will not be calling you on Christmas. I just can't handle the after math! Ok not really. I will call on Christmas, but after talking to you on Mother's Day I had a really rough time. I was so homesick! I thought a lot this week about why I'm out here. Wednesday night I hardly slept at all because I couldn't stop pondering the question, Why am I on a mission? A million sub-questions were running through my head. Did I come to prove a point? To show everyone that I could do it? Was it because I wanted a break from school? Because I wasn't getting married any time soon and it seemed like a good option? Am I here to make my family happy? Did I come to avoid getting married? All these questions. I was at a serious low point. I wanted to take off my tag and go home. I got on my knees and laid it all on my Father. I couldn't help but think of that conference talk that says, "Hope you know I'm having a hard time." I just told Him everything. How I'm homesick, how our investigators have stopped progressing, how we knock and knock for hours and no one will listen to us. As I was praying I was reminded of something Luke had said in his letter last week. He wrote, "I am jealous of even your worst day on the mission." I thought that day probably qualified. And I thought he was kind of dumb and just saying that. I prayed and asked my Heavenly Father for strength, but mostly I think I was looking for a confirmation that this is where I am supposed to be. I got an answer, but it was different than I expected. As I was crying and pouring my heart out, Heavenly Father simply asked me a question. "Is this where you want to be?" It was the weirdest answer to a prayer I've ever received. I was taken aback to be honest. And I had to think. Is it? I chose to come on a mission. I got the answer yes when I first asked. I knew it would be hard, but I came. And immediately when I had that thought it was like He was saying, "Well there you go." I was overcome with gratitude and understanding. I thought of my Savior Jesus Christ, and all that He suffered. It was never ever easy for Him, so why did I think it should be easy for me? I get now what Luke meant by being jealous of my worst days. Because even on my worst days, my lowest of lows, I don't want to leave. Because this is the Lord's work and He's standing next to me all the time. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who answers prayers, but more importantly lets me work through problems. I wasn't on my own, but He didn't just give me the answer either. It was a much needed and cherished experience.
Now don't think because of that things got easy and happy. Our week kind of sucked. We worked hard every day, but when we turned in our numbers yesterday it was pretty dismal. However I did have my testimony strengthened. On Thursday we had Zone Conference. It was my first one, and I am definitely a fan of Zone Conference! Even though President made me stand in front of everyone and recite all 42 principles. It was an amazing spiritual feast. President's son, Tod, came and spoke. He talked about change and the Atonement. He talked about why missionary work is so hard. Why aren't people lining up at the fonts? He said at some point all of us ask why it is so hard. We're not the only ones to ask that. Even the Savior asked the Father to remove the bitter cup. But He didn't and Christ completed His mission, so that I can complete mine. I love being able to study the Atonement! It is the greatest gift we have ever been given.
Sorry this email is more of "what I learned" than "what I did" but I don't think you will mind. This was exactly what I needed this week, so I thought I would share. I am learning to love my mission. Salvation was never meant to be a cheap experience, so I am learning to be grateful for even the hard times. I love you all so much! I hope you all recognize and use the Atonement in your lives. We all need it. I REALLY need it.
Take care. Have a good week!
Love,
Sister Hyde
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